Save the 3rd Season of "The L Word"
This post could show the producers the way to undo the last very criticized season (and guarantee they never hire me).
First episode, SEASON III
INTERIOR, Marina's hospital room.
Extreme Close up on MARINA, waking up from coma.
Marina: "What happened?"
Pan out and we see JENNY sitting besides her, wearing her old Season I haircut. Her legs are conspicuously slash-free.
JENNY: (taking Marina's hand):"It's okay. You were agitated last night and muttering but you're all better now."
MARINA: "Oh, Jenny! I'm so glad to see you! I had the worst nightmare. You were raped by carnies and started stripping to re-empower yourself. You were really, really, really annoying."
JENNY: "How preposterous."
MARINA: "Not the annoying part. That's still accurate. Tina was pregnant but no one could tell until, like, the millionth trimester. Kit bought the Peachpit Afterdark. Dana and Alice hated dating outside their social circle so much, they hooked up."
JENNY: "But wouldn't that unleash Alice's raging neediness and desire to control?"
MARINA: "They did it anyway!"
JENNY: "Good lord."
MARINA: "Shane cut her hair and no one liked it except this girl Carmen who was way too drama-free to be a lesbian."
JENNY starts crying.
MARINA: "What is it?"
JENNY: "I forgot my sandwich at home."
MARINA rolls her eyes big as we FADE OUT.
So that's it. The whole second season never was. It's like Patrick Duffy on "Dallas" taking a shower like nothing happened. Whole thing was Marina's bad dream. Albino Dread BETTY was really an opossum nesting outside the hospital window. Helena was a nurse with a rough touch who drew Marina's blood. And thus, we, the L Word fans, are saved.
_______________________________________
But I kid because I love! Please, I am totally hooked. I still went ahead and vented some "L Word" frustration in my routine last night at the "Celebrate Gay" Lip Service, a singing, dancing comedy show masterminded by my friend Elizabeth Dahmen. She's frickin' hilarious. Jen Urban adapted "Kiss Me Deadly" to complain about the NY scene, one which doesn't seem to make anyone happy. Clay Drinko sang about dickheads breaking his heart but it couldn't hurt much 'cause he has clearly made disco his willing bitch. Acappella group The Lesbian Overtones smoothed out some Melissa, Ani, Indigo and kd to our delight.
A post-show highlight was meeting one of the creators of Hothouse. Check them out for razor sharp sapphic ranting.
First episode, SEASON III
INTERIOR, Marina's hospital room.
Extreme Close up on MARINA, waking up from coma.
Marina: "What happened?"
Pan out and we see JENNY sitting besides her, wearing her old Season I haircut. Her legs are conspicuously slash-free.
JENNY: (taking Marina's hand):"It's okay. You were agitated last night and muttering but you're all better now."
MARINA: "Oh, Jenny! I'm so glad to see you! I had the worst nightmare. You were raped by carnies and started stripping to re-empower yourself. You were really, really, really annoying."
JENNY: "How preposterous."
MARINA: "Not the annoying part. That's still accurate. Tina was pregnant but no one could tell until, like, the millionth trimester. Kit bought the Peachpit Afterdark. Dana and Alice hated dating outside their social circle so much, they hooked up."
JENNY: "But wouldn't that unleash Alice's raging neediness and desire to control?"
MARINA: "They did it anyway!"
JENNY: "Good lord."
MARINA: "Shane cut her hair and no one liked it except this girl Carmen who was way too drama-free to be a lesbian."
JENNY starts crying.
MARINA: "What is it?"
JENNY: "I forgot my sandwich at home."
MARINA rolls her eyes big as we FADE OUT.
So that's it. The whole second season never was. It's like Patrick Duffy on "Dallas" taking a shower like nothing happened. Whole thing was Marina's bad dream. Albino Dread BETTY was really an opossum nesting outside the hospital window. Helena was a nurse with a rough touch who drew Marina's blood. And thus, we, the L Word fans, are saved.
_______________________________________
But I kid because I love! Please, I am totally hooked. I still went ahead and vented some "L Word" frustration in my routine last night at the "Celebrate Gay" Lip Service, a singing, dancing comedy show masterminded by my friend Elizabeth Dahmen. She's frickin' hilarious. Jen Urban adapted "Kiss Me Deadly" to complain about the NY scene, one which doesn't seem to make anyone happy. Clay Drinko sang about dickheads breaking his heart but it couldn't hurt much 'cause he has clearly made disco his willing bitch. Acappella group The Lesbian Overtones smoothed out some Melissa, Ani, Indigo and kd to our delight.
A post-show highlight was meeting one of the creators of Hothouse. Check them out for razor sharp sapphic ranting.
posted by claudia at 12:37 PM
10 Comments:
See, I don't watch the L word, which is why I can't comment on your bloggings. But you have no excuse not to comment in my journal because you eat don't you? Then what's that crap all over the front of your shirt?
The crap on the front of my shirt is still under examination at the lab, Isa. You know that.
I will add my thoughts and feelings to your journal shortly.
I'm coming to your show tonight. It better be good.
Oh, that was me.
Truer words were never spoke, Isa! Yes, it better be good because Liam totally screwed up and invited a critic from Guns and Ammo. One false line and we're going down.
Great scene, Claud. In my humble opinion, the only thing that could be MORE awful than Jenny brooding about her carnie deflowering (at least we know what the whole Mystery Circus allusions were about) is The Return of I'm Too Sexy For This Show Marina. She blew chunks and I dance every morning in celebration of her departure. That God-awful, throaty accent from ?????, "Jenny...I was thinking about you...I'm sexy." Ugh. Barf.
And did BETTY blackmail someone? They were all over this season like a cheap suit. Their music is bad enough, like eating lumpy yogurt from a feed bag, but to make us watch THE UGLIEST one (of a bunch o' uglies) get it on, too? Who did I rape at a carnival to deserve that?
Claudia, why are you eating crap?
Aw shucks. Because, Claudia, for us, a post-show highlight was meeting you!
Marina's appeal is a puzzle, Shan. More of a mighty oak than an actress, she dressed in these long, narrow skirts and clunky high heeled boots - a total fall waiting to happen. One bump into a chair or something and it's "Timber!" time.
But I would still pick her return from a coma-dream over last season.
Liam, I just eat what the guards give me.
Hothouse, if GET THE F OUT could marry another blog, it'd be down on one electric knee right now. I'm pro gay-blog marriage.
Claudia, I have not met you yet--I think I'm going to East Side Oral unless New Jersey bursts into flames--but I must thank you for solving our "L Word" problem, for which you should receive the Nobel Prize.
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