New Yorker Cartoon

Gay Stuff

Late Friday night, on 14th street off of ninth avenue, a woman struggling to push a shopping cart stopped me. She was wearing bright red overalls and was festooned with gay Mardi Gras-like trinkets, including something roped and rainbow-y wrapped around her ponytail. I got a better look at the cart; it was filled with all the things she was wearing, up for sale.

This vendor of Dorothy asked me, "Where's the Village?" Ah, I see how it is.

Rainbow merchandise in hand? Check.
Correct weekend? Check.
Location? Not sure. Better ask a lesbo.

I sent her down the yellow brick road but not before grabbing a $5 rainbow belt. So I can hold up my head and my pants this Sunday.

Happy Pride, homos!

Provincetown Comedy Muscle

Have It Your Way
with Chantal Carrere, Ben Lerman and Claudia Cogan

All Memorial Day weekend, twice a night!

Fri. 22, Sat. 23 and Sun. 24th @ 7pm and 9pm
UU Meeting House
236 Commercial Street
Provincetown, MA
Only $15
First 30 people receive a prize

Love 'shach

At a birthday themed standup show, I was asked after my set which 80's male celebrity would I want to pop out of my cake. My answer was, of course, Mesach Taylor. I mean, duh. If you want to hang out and have fun and drink diet shakes, you pick the era's most gay-ish man on TV.

Even better wrapped in a sweater.

The host was expecting a preppy heart murderer like Andrew McCarthy or a Miami johnson like Don. Basically, she had no idea what I sought then was what I seek now: best friend forever material. Gay on tv-gay platonic love.

But the audience seemed confused as to who Meshach was. It all made sense to me: "He's a male and he's a celebrity!," I reminded this culturally backwards group. Assured as I was it would only be a matter of time until everyone's Compact Fluorescent Lightbulb went off, their twentysomething faces remained filled with puzzlement.

I was going to have to list his credits, which is how you know in show biz you've been left behind, like half of Mickey Rourke's skin. "Hollywood from Mannequin? Anthony from 'Designing Women'?" Three or four nods but they were not real. These fetuses were humoring me.

Hose before bros, isn't that right?

I stand by my choice. Fantasy BFFs are timeless.

The Runner up: Fred Sneider, who could sing me a song about jumping out of cake and make it sound like it was about drugs and/or Sumerians.

A friend around the bend

What It Might Be Like Getting Laid Off From Trivia

"We think it's best you no longer come to trivia at McThirsty's. See, in this economy, the divided winnings don't go as far as they used to and since you don't contribute as much as say, Marty, who knows film AND sports, we're letting you go. Three players can do the work of four. Everyone left at Don's Illuminatis would hate any hard feelings. Here's a $15 gift certificate to Olive Garden, expiring tomorrow. About my wedding, you didn't buy your dress yet did you? Oh good."

Under The Gaydar: You Never Seen It Yet

Intruder alert.

Four out comics flying under the gay comedy radar are taking it to the road. Dave Rubin (Hot Gay Comics), Jackie Monahan (Hot Gay Comics), Shawn Hollenbach (Hot Gay Comics) and me (Hot 97. Just kidding! Hot Gay Comics) will shake our comedy makers in club and bar and club and bar starting in springtime.

The first show is Tuesday, March 31st in Allentown. It's a place no one has ever heard of, esp. Billy Joel. God, I think that song has been stuck in my head since the day I first heard it.

Come see us or tell anyone who lives nearby to get down on it.  

Under the Gaydar: Fresh Faces of GayBian Comedy

Tuesday, March 31st 8:00 (doors 7:15)

Allentown Brew Works

812 West Hamilton Street

Allentown, PA 18101

Tickets $10 (adv.) /  $12.50 (door) Go here for advance purchase

If you go to our website, you'll find out more, like we have a gmail address. Ooh! Now doesn't that mean business?

Joining our Facebook group is free, by the way.

Homo thugs or what we look like to those afraid of New Yorkers.

Happy Friday the 13th

Before bed, I ate a juicy blood orange.

Next day, I woke up with a) a nosebleed and b) my period.

So keep it safe and eat normal oranges.

E See And Be Seen Y!

BUZZ of the year is on over here.

It's 12:49 AM time. I'm home and there's a vodka martini talking me into things I never imagined. Truly confessional blogging, like the kind you haven't seen since 2007, here I come.

I lost tonight at the ECNYs. In my head, I rehearsed hearing the name of every other competitor, just to keep myself from bolting up to the stage the second they said "The winner for best female standup is..." You see, something like it has happened before.

One time in Vegas, I played Bingo while very sleepy. Game after game went by and the prize had eluded me by many numbers. Finally, I got one line filled and stood up to claim my rightful prize. "Bingo!!" My glory time had arrived. As the inspector walked up to my row, I realized that a line is not what wins Bingo. It's a crazy bow tie shape or an x or two lines or the whole board. Not my children's birthday party winning line. Humiliated and covered in the scornful stares of dozens of senior citizens, I sank back to my convention hall-style chair.

Ok, the ECNY is not the same as bingo. They don't put you in a VFW hall and promise you an electric blanket. But I know me and there's a pompous, self deluded winner of everything inside me and she was ready to take the prize.

The winner of best female standup is not important*. The most important thing is, at 86th and Broadway, on my way home, I pointed out to a mean woman her bag was ugly.

Cut to two winters ago. Me and the mean woman with the blindingly hideous bag are out with mutual friends. It's cold. She's wearing a hat.

Me: "That's a nice hat!" directed at said woman, a chic, thin, blond woman with nothing to worry about in terms of how she looked then, if not now. It was indeed a nicely knitted hat. It looked one of a kind and very warm.

The chic, thin, attractive woman, in disgust: "I know! It's thick-uh,", as if I was the 150th person to tell her her shoes were untied or there was broccoli in her teeth. I hadn't said it was thick-uh. I honestly liked it and was confused: normally, a compliment gets a thank you.

We then had a night with our mutual friends where most of the things I said were countered with the verbal eye-rolling of this extraordinarily defensive person.

Generic example, taken from group small talk: Her: "I like [XYZ]". Me: "I am a fan of [XYZ], too." Her: "Yes, [XYZ] is stupid, I know!" I steered clear of her and her bizarre responses as much as possible as I learned quickly I could not say anything that would be taken at face value. It was a match made in hell and our time together could not end fast enough. It kind of scarred me, obviously.

So there she was, getting ready to swipe her metrocard as I was leaving the station. I recognized her immediately. Still thin, chic, attractive, and tonight, wearing a puckered ivory leather bag that must have been made of a cow's stomach lining, all bunched together, like it had just been turned inside out and going to squirt hydrochloric acid any second. What made it into a bag rather than something from the butcher's were two straps and a cell phone pocket.

Me: "That is a WHORRRRRIBLE bagl"

Her: "Sorry-uh about that-uh."

Me: "You should be."

Apart from this hosebeast, the night was great. The show was kept at an excellent pace and the company the was great-uh. Thanks-uh!!


*Yes it is! Congratulations, to the fabulous Michelle Collins! It was an honor being in a category with you. You are amazing and I think the government should harvest your eggs as research into humorous preservation of the human species.

ECNY Showcase -Thursday, 2/25 8pm

Come see the nominees of this year's ECNYs live on Thursday.

ECNY Showcase
People's Improv Theatre (The PIT)
154 West 29th St.
8 o'clock

Only $8 to see these great nominees:

Matt McCarthy – Nominee, Best Male Stand-up
Video from Sara Benincasa – Nominee, The Emerging Comic Award, Best Host and Best Comedic Short Film
Shayna Ferm – Nominee, Best Musical Comedy Act
BriTANick - Nominees, Best Sketch Group
Jackie Monahan – Nominee, Best Female Stand-up
Video from BOF - Nominees, Best Comedic Short Film
Elephant Larry - Nominees, Best Sketch Group

and me Claudia Cogan (HOST) – Nominated for Best Female Stand-up

Advance Tickets? Click Here. It's Easy. 

Voting for me? Yes! Click here.

Your typical nominee.
Good at dressage, roping and removing bull's blood from gingham.

Confessions of a Dangerous Swine

Four young women, all Asian, were weaving their way onto the 7 train and a man says to his friend, for all to hear, "That's my weakness...[ME: dontsayit.dontsayit.dontsayit.dontsayit.] Asian women." 

AHHH NOOOO! The crazy's just been driven off the lot.

He continued: "They're hard workers. They do whatever you want." 

Really? It sounded like he was describing the advantages of buying a robot butler. But truly it was his way of telling the world he has a favorite massage parlor.

I needed a Silkwood shower then, extra vicious abrasion please.

A weakness is something you do even if it harms you, I thought.  As in: "I was going to do some housework but then Pretty Woman was on. That's my weakness. I sat and watched the whole thing."

Not like what this guy's got going on. He's got an appetite for something he never has to worry about overdoing, unless he seeks it out: "It was to be a night of bowling and turkey clubs with the fellas when I got totally sidetracked by having to find and harass Asian women, driving all over Queens, up and around into the Bronx, to find them. I would try Chinatown but their husbands are probably there. They just call to me. And they scream 9-1-1 a lot. Oh, this weakness of mine!"

This is exactly why The Onion had to write Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish. 

(Disclosure: The teen coquette pictured happens to be my friend, comedian Jiwon Lee. As an attractive woman from the Earth's largest continent, she has her own share of batty dude anecdotes.)

Top Secret Mission to Entertain Russian Prime Minister Exposed

According to this report, ABBA tribute band Bjorn Again were flown to a location 200 miles north of Moscow, where they privately entertained Vladimir Putin and several guests. There at the leisure compound/lake house, the Prime Minister, who sat on a couch veiled by a curtain, made appreciative noises and gestures typical of pleased concert goers, along the lines of "Bravo" and clapping.

However, a rep for the Prime Minster denies that the leader attended such an event. He then opened a pen cap which emitted a gas that knocked the reporter unconscious and burned his notes. He also left a polonium smoothie with instructions to drink immediately when the writer woke up. Touchy!

This is so weird. I got such a nice note from Vlad when I sent him Mamma Mia for Christmas.

Other acts who have faced down the buzz-witherers of totalitarianism:

1. The Von Trapp Family

Once they left town, Austria was S.O.M.: shit out of music.

2.Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Imagine going to bed every night and hearing "Get Moose and Squirrel" in your nightmares.

3. Nick Rivers, singing sensation

Oh East Germany, how silly can you get?

Maybe these doubles got a hold of the real ABBA's glass helicopter, which may have been designed to make the Swedish singers look like they were levitating, and super troupered it out there.

Today I remembered something.

It is that...

I AM A BLOGGER. A significant blogger. Not a 2006 blogger. Or a 2007 blogger. A blogger of today, 2008 with the power to shake foundations.

I WILL OPEN WIDE THIS MEDICINE CABINET AND LET YOU PEER INSIDE.

It's been a little while. The posts that will define us from here on won't emerge for a while, I suspect. Could be like the last passenger on a bus who has a lot of bulky package and can't walk because their legs are asleep, who has to wait until the coast is clear. The college kids who have been twittering the whole 5 hour ride about the nothing that is their lives are in the aisle huffing about what is taking forever. (My analogy is very elaborate compared to what a friend said to me last night at The Rejection Show's Book Party Show about opening up a tap for the first time in a while. The rusty, collected water must come first. Open thy taps!)

We need to stretch a little. Have fun. Aren't we having fun? Like a narcissist with a mirror and a day off. Like a frat boy watching his first lit fart. Like a salmon slipping by a hungry bear. All those things, those flowery things.

So here it is.

My first post of the rest of my blog:

Farting is like going to the air bathroom.

THANK YOU

Doris Yeltsin this Friday - Free admission

Come to Sound Fix on Friday at 8:00

Jackie Monahan and myself bring our funny friends into Williamsburg on Friday night at Sound Fix. Stand up from Michelle Buteau (Comedy Central, VH1), Kate McKinnon (Big Gay Sketch show), Rena Zager (Premium Blend), video sketches by Don't Touch Me There and trivia from Big Quiz Thing Quizmaster Noah Tarnow. Players can win a batch of brownies and other fun items.

Admission: Free / No Minimum
Happy hour starts directly after

Sound Fix
110 Bedford Avenue at N. 11th
L to Bedford

She Who Laughs First

...laughs as good as anybody

Fifty First Jokes III was Saturday night at Webster Hall. And by "was" I mean "shared by about 300 people who stood in line in the cold out front for up to an hour because free-falling comedians telling their first joke of the year is hard core shit."

Seems our "underground local comic party" (according to one weekly for the second year in a row) turned into a big to-do after they featured the show in a little undergound local rag called... what was it? Oh....
THE
NEW
YORK
FUCKING TIMES.

Click here for a wonderful set of photos taken that night by Maryanne Ventrice

Thanks to the comics, the audience and Webster Hall for an unforgettable night. Stay tuned for 2010 at fiftyfirstjokes.info.

And while I'm at it, world, 'double oh 7' is still seven!

Quantum of Divorce Lawyers

I'm concerned about the new Bond movie. It looks like it's about a rich couple who lost their luggage and are returning to the airport first thing next day to sort this mess out. From the body language, you can bet your frequent flier miles these two have been bickering like India and Pakistan ALLLLLL NIGHT. See, she wanted to check bags inside the airport but he did it curbside to save time. She knew this would happen. If she wasn't putting everything in ziplock baggies like an obsessive freak, they'd have had more time. Maybe this whole trip was a bad idea! Well, I'm getting my ticket just to see who wins the argument.

The name also sounds like a victim of literal translation. Like the bad Engrish they're teaching kids in stores all over Japan. Maybe they cranked "Formulae for Happiness" into babelfish from Russian to Arabic until that came out.

'Quantum' means the smallest measurable quantity of something. That means they passed over poetic possibilities Grain of Assuagement, Nut of Condolement, Feather of Rested Worry, or Barrel of AIDS Cure.

From the False Start Files Part III

A fairly recent one!

6/25/08

Hellloooo! My Name Is Lulay

I am a visiting Moldavian prostitute here in Big Apple on my vacation. As we all know, the dollar is weaker than a goat dehydrated after an imperial race so there was no reason to stay home and watch the yogurt get cloudier. I'm not getting any younger. Pretty soon 19 years!

As gesture of good will, Claudia, a typical lazy, despicable American blogger, is letting me to post for her. We met at 34th street high fashion destination Payless. I held her place in the line at while she called her mom outside the store to see if she could use emergency credit card. Perhaps she needs a steady job that only require people skill? One that pays easily for BOGO shoe-drenched vacations in New York, Claudia? Not so bad. Even after trip, I can afford to bury my mother. It will be nice to have my couch back.

I find "waxed persons" museum very deceiving. Did not get what I expected: Whoopi Goldberg's lady beet is not visible under tunic and by the looks of things, I'm sure if it was -- All patch, no pumpkin.

Life at home is easier these days. I have customer who has fetish for cleaning. It turn him on when I scream, "mop with more forcing, you fagat." Often, I schedule him and then I'm having guests over. To be fair, I give him slight discount along with extra stomp in gerbil newborns.

 In hotel, there is the Showetime channel. I watched a documentary called "Secret Diary of a Call Girl." Very beautiful London woman in same business! In my district, I'm prettiest. If she move in, I'd have to acid wash her face. Who's the discount girl now? Her!

You are maybe asking "what about the customer who only want to talk? They are easier!" Kind is worst!!! Average john has nothing but cliche to offer. His wife doesn't understand him? Who would be thinking such? Did someone go gassing my tent again? Boo hoo, guy who goes to prostitute behind back. One day I don't hold back. I tell a guy: "Maybe she lesbian?" He get mad. Sorry! What you should do instead is say, "Some men marry by accident woman who is jew. Only possible explanation."

Anyway, my stomach wants me to get going. Only few more chances to eat at Times Square Sbarro's for me.

__________________________________________

Wow, Lulay! For your first blog, that's not bad. A little politically unacceptable but hey, most of my readers are surfing for Natalie Portman photos so who cares? YAY!

The Obama Girls of Comedy: Snatch Victory

Are you living in, around or within voting distance of:
Philadelphia….
Pittsburgh….
Bloomington….
Cincinnati….
Dayton….
Allentown…
Washington, DC….
Raleigh….
Charlottesville…
Norfolk or
Richmond
or know someone who is?

Then notify them immediately about The Obama Girls of Comedy Tour. Comedians Carolyn Castiglia (VH1), Calise Hawkins (NBC), Giulia Rozzi (MTV) and myself are hitting the battlefield states to support and spread the word about oh, you know, that one.

Putting aside important democratic issues, the best thing about McCain crapping out on election day could be watching Palin's circuits finally blow and the lasers they built into her eyeballs firing throughout McCain headquarters, Carrie prom-style. LET'S MAKE THIS HAPPEN, U.S.A.!

http://theobamagirlsofcomedy.wordpress.com/

PHILADELPHIA
Thursday, Oct. 16, 8pm
North By Northwest
7165 Germantown Ave.
www.nxnwphl.com
215-248-1000 EXT 0
TIX $15 ADV/$20 DOOR (profits go to the Obama Campaign)

PITTSBURGH
Friday, Oct. 17 – 2 Shows @8pm and 10pm
Slapsticks Comedy Loft
2660 Library Road
http://slapstickscomedy.com
412-920-5653
TIX $15 ADV /$20 DOOR (profits go to the Obama Campaign)

BLOOMINGTON
Saturday Oct. 18 – 2 Shows @8pm and 10pm
Bear's Place Bar
1316 E. 3rd St.
Bloomington, IN
www.bearsplacebar.com
812-339-3460
TIX $10

CINCINNATI
SUNDAY, OCT 19, 8pm
The Know Theatre
1120 Jackson Street
www.knowtheatre.com
513.300.KNOW
TIX: $12

DAYTON
MONDAY, OCT. 20, 8pm
Wiley's Comedy Niteclub
101 Pine St., Dayton, OH
www.wileyscomedyclub.com
937-224-JOKE
TIX $10

ALLENTOWN
Tuesday, Oct. 21, 8pm
The Allentown Brew Works
812 W. Hamilton Street, Allentown, PA
www.thebrewworks.com
(610) 433-7777
TIX $10

WASHINGTON, DC
Sunday Oct. 26, 8pm
Chief Ike's Mambo Room
1725 Columbia Rd NW, Washington, DC
www.chiefikes.com
(202) 332-2211‎
$15

RALEIGH
Monday Oct. 27, 8pm
Lincoln Theatre‎
126 E Cabarrus St., Raleigh, NC
(919) 821-4111
www.lincolntheatre.com‎
$10 ADV/$12 DOOR / $5 Students

CHARLOTTESVILLE
Tuesday, Oct. 28, 8pm
Gravity Lounge‎
103 S 1st St. Charlottesville, VA
(434) 977-5590
www.gravity-lounge.com
‎ $15 (profits go to Obama Campaign) / $10 Students

NORFOLK
Wednesday Oct. 29, 8pm
The Boot
123 W. 21st St, Norfolk, VA
(757) 627-2668
www.insidetheboot.com
$10 ADV/$15 DOOR

RICHMOND
Thursday Oct. 30th @8pm
Canal Club‎
1545 E Cary St, Richmond, VA
(804) 643-2582
www.thecanalclub.com‎
$10 ADV/$12 DOOR

Ahoy, I mean, if you say so.

Pay attention!

Standing on a crowded bus, I happened to look down at what the woman sitting below me was reading. It was an English phrase book, translating from Korean. It said things like: "How much are these blouses?" and "Is this the only store in town?" -- for the shopper on the market for backhanded put-downs. Then this one that didn't seem to fit:

"I had a hard time controlling the boat."

I've been speaking English for almost the whole time I've been speaking- there was a time at camp I huffed toasted marshmallow fumes and spoke only pig latin for a month - but I've never needed it to describe the way my craft went careening.

Is there a belief among visitors that once here, they're going to have to join the Coast Guard? They know our sea-faring ranks are stretched thin due to the war so it might seem inevitable that strolling the river front, someone could ask you to captain a nice fighter ship and expect no hesitation. And if things don't go perfectly, you better have something to say for yourself after. 

It's like going out of the house with a roto-tiller in your purse. Maybe you'll need it to roto-till for the first time in your life. Who's to say? Be prepared!

Anyway, enough nit-picking. I'm going to France next week and I'm using my new phrasebook to figure out some real helpers : Je pourrais sembler suffisant mais je ne peux pas l'aider : Je suis un astronaute  "I might seem cocky but I can't help it -- I am an astronaut" and Les lutins sont-ils allergiques à garnir en cuir? "Are pixies allergic to leather?"

Wish me luck!

This Sunday...

Get comics and cupcakes for practically nothing!



Join us Sunday at Rififi, a new venue that could become permanent if we don't fuck it up. So please come! We need yr support.

To celebrate the third show and our permanent escape from the Moroccan den of unprofessionalism Doris started in, there will be cupcakes. Cupcakes -- the kind that are delicious.

Line up:

Vidur Kapur (Logo's Outlaugh)
Eric Andre (Live at Gotham)
Jon Friedman (The Rejection Show)
Becky Ciletti (NY Underground Comedy Festival)

Hosts: mahself and Jackie Monahan (LOL tour, Here! TV)

Rififi
322 East 11th Street between 1st and 2nd Ave.
$5.00 cover, no minimum

New Video

See how fast things fall apart when a server goes too far.
The premise of Funny or Die, if you're not familiar, is after watching, you vote [Funny] or [Die]. Which is like "I choose to be cool" or "I am going to piss-soak this work like the uncontrollable weiner that I am." You know what to do.

PS I forgot credits: Heather Fink - the writer/director & server; Brian Berebbi - dude; me - lady

You've Been Asking Yourselves...

"Claudia, what do you think of the new Adam Sandler movie? Will you get out of bed one afternoon, rip off your kinoki footpads and go see Don't Mess With The Zohan?

The answer is I had no plans to mess with the Zohan. Or any other Zohan. Because it looks like a reverse Zoolander where a serious person who assassinates becomes a silly person who plucks and lifts weights. In fact, I refer to is as Jewlander.

Then I read the amusing review of it in the New York Times. A.O. Scott said it supplies like a grenade dealer to a West Bank teen. Seems I'll have to set aside $12.50 for this flick!

A.O. notes that Zohan "is basically a less anguished version of the character played by Eric Bana in 'Munich.'"

Aha! I'm glad someone brought up Munich so I could gratuitously write about it!

Munich is about Avner, an undercover Mossad agent on a mission to systematically kill everyone involved in the 1978 attack on the Israeli olympic team in Munich. But get this -- he is conflicted about it. Waiting for a movie about a guy who loves to kill and then goes to a Wendy's drive-through after? Probably the sequel to No Country For Old Men. Anyway, Munich I'm obsessed with because after what seems like a million thrilling assassination episodes, it ends with Avner unable to make love to his wife. That's it. Back home, in bed with wife, she gives him the "it's time to do it, even though I'm still completely covered by a nightgown" gesture. He starts thrusting and is transported to the gory evening Black Sunday massacred the Israeli team. His wife's vagina has become a PTSD flashback chamber and he has got to step back. Moral: Kill about a dozen people, feel a little guilty, and you get nookie problems. Point made, Speilberg!

Mid-Week Rainbow Soaked Spectacular

OFFENSIVE WOMEN
This Wednesday at 8:00 at the Slipper Room

with
Becky Donohue
Kate McKinnon
Jessica Kirson
Liz Feldman
and me!

Only $10 for all that shady lady: ADVANCE TICKETS

Don't Ms. It!

Going to a Show, Show

See me at these gigs and learn how my sarcastic derision shakes out this week.

Monday, May 19
8:30P

The Night Kitchen
NOTE: RELOCATED! No Jimmy’s right now..Head instead to Rififi for continued comedy pleasure.

Rififi
332 East 11th St, bet. 1st & 2nd Aves

Gilad Foss and Merritt Gurley are funny, thoughtful people who care. In fact, they have the kind of carbon footprints Sting would kill for. Why wouldn't you go? Oh, because you drive an SUV. F-off.

Wednesday May, 21
8:00P

The Bump at Soundfix Records
Bedford and North 11th, the Burg
Cost: free

John Knefel and Ed Murray have been reunited with their night and venue. Several comics, including myself, will ride on the wings of their triumph.

Saturday May 24
8:00P

The Adam Wade from NH Show!
Rififi 332 E. 11th St.
Cost: 5.00


"SPECIAL BIRTHDAY SHOW" Big show featuring: Jake Goldman, Chelsea Peretti, Rob Gorden, birthday boy Adam Wade and Matt Sears as your announcer! Knowing him as long as anbody who's known him for about five years, I can safely say that Adam will never let you down.

Help People With AIDS; Help Prevent HIV; Help Me Not Be a Selfish Clown D-Bag For One Day

HERE

to take your own AIDS-stroll, visit the AWNY site.

Doris Yeltsin, New Stand Up Show

This Friday head over to Doris Yeltsin, a new stand up show co-hosted by me and the harmfully effervescent Jackie Monahan (LOL tour, heretv.com).

Our line up of one star after another is:

- John Oliver from "The Daily Show," duh. His solo special John Oliver: Terrifying Times debuts Monday on Comedy Central. Come see him before he goes from locally adorable to globally unstoppable.

- Amy Schumer, the breakout star from Last Comic Standing. Last seen with a mic in her hand in front of Night of Too Many Stars talking to too many stars like Sarah Silverman.

- John F. O'Donnell is one of Comedy Central's Fresh Faces. He is presently building an empire of humor in Long Island City. We've plucked him away for the night so enjoy him while ye may.

- Greg Barris is the producer of "Heart of Darkness." More than a standup show, it brings the oddballs together where they belong, just like in Greg's home state of Florida.

- Mara Herron is the rising young talent behind The Lighthouse show at Kenny's Castaways. She, along with Jackie and Amy, performs unwifely duties on Housewives With Attitude.

Or, refer to the flyer above. It was hard! Cutting off heads is more work than you'd think. Sweeney Todd at least had a razor and Helena Bonham Carter for encouragement.

If the show floats like Hope, it will return to the lower east side harbor every month or so. But that's only if we get some asses in the seats. Or on the stools. The joint is Moroccan.

(A couple of people have asked me about the name. It's a family name. My mother and Jackie's mom had a show called Doris Yeltsin. My mom's mom and Jackie's mom's mom had a show by that name. We're proud to keep it going!)

At The Risk of Seeming Cynical...

now that Flavor of Love is in its third season, I'm starting to suspect that Flav is not as ready for a relationship as the show would like us to think.

Label me an armchair psychologist, but if over 3 seasons, produced virtually back to back, you haven't found one suitable girl, I'm going to wonder! And don't say you're too busy for a relationship. Anyone motivated can find time between concerts and recording sessions and shopping for Viking hats to make room for a sweetie.

Maybe I'm just an online GED student who ran into glass doors as a child, but a lot of these women are real for Flav. And that's the problem -- they're too real. They are too vulnerable and human, aching for a connection he can't offer. See past the crimped hair, peach mini-dresses and demo tapes, Flav!

Wake up, America! This guy wouldn't know a good woman if she crapped on his mansion floor. Because she did.

And watch out, Bret Michaels. Get a third round of Rock of Love going, and I'll be convinced you're the thorn to your own love life's rose.

Fiber Force

Michelle tells America how delicious Fiber Force cereal got her around the biggest wedding day obstacle.



Find out more about what makes Fiber Force special at biggco.com/products.


For a breakfast that really matters, dig into Fiber Force.

My Stripper/Screenwriter Name Is

Chupacabra Riley

Answers to FAQs

What is the worst thing anyone can accuse you of? Being a studio gangsta. I was when I started "the game." But then the accusations got more pointed and people were talking. Things looked really bad when I showed up at the Vibe awards hoping to win a Hitachi magic wand. Easy mix-up for any perv. But people were talking and I had to act fast! So I started dealing. At first just to school kids, which was easier. Look at me going on! The rest of the story was painstakingly tattooed all over my back in a prison yard. (If it looks a lot like multiple shiv wounds, that's just the way I got mine.)

So, you are fan of tattoos? No. Tattoos are like other people's children. Only you can see how bad they are.

How fast do you type? In Word, 65 words per minute. In Instant Messages, about 897 LOLs per minute.

How do you work your Mojo? I definitely inherited my family's mojo. In fact, my mojo is from the 1800's and as such is crank-operated. It smokes and makes a horrible racket. Never take it to bars. I leave it home and go mojo-less.

What would you like to see in bars? An Aughties Night...bring back the the 80s and keep it in the context of the Aughts. Wheel out widowed Nancy Reagan and just try to get her to say something -- anything. Not just No. Have the Cosby kids recreate the opening dances with shot knees. Quiz people: Is It From Then or Now? Hold up a terry cloth tank and shorts -- Did an inner city basketball team wear it circa 1982, or is it from American Apparel, circa yesterday?

That sounds great. I know! Somebody call Moon Zappa's agent...I mean her temp agent.

PINny For Your Thoughts

Today, I spent time bill paying online. Turns out you can spend money on the internet, not just your thirties.

All the owed parties require a PIN to access their bill paying systems. Why? Who is going to pretend to be me and nefariously pay my Verizon bill? Has that ever happened? Is that identity theft you need to worry about?

"I checked the cable online. It was paid in full. Not by me, I'm broke. Seems someone stole my identity and bettered it."

Get rid of the PIN. Let the bill paying elves were so afraid of do their magic work.

From The False Start Files, Part II

10/2/06 Just One Shadow Citizen's Opinion

Around the country, voters are getting ready for the election. But what about the rule you can't vote for? You all know what I'm talking about, but can't without seeming like a hopelessly outdated 60's reactionary - the Shadow Government.

Personally, I think the Shadow Powers-That-Be focus too much on international policy. I'd really love to see some action on shadow domestic issues, like making Dick Cheney's corpse seem more alive.

And there are issues even closer to me. Folks, I can't tell you how many times I've called 3-1-1 to get the "bakery" trucks to stop blocking traffic on my street. You don't drop off bread all day outside the house of the only Arab royal on the block!! Just deport the guy already. No one cares anymore. What are my secretly re-directed tax funds going towards anyway? More muscled hustlers at Bohemian Grove?

To sum it up, the only static I want to deal with is the one from Shadoe Stevens - not the shadow bureaucracy.

Olmos Paradise

Dream harder.









Dream smarter.












Not this guy.












This guy.











Olmos!

Getting Back To What Was Supposed To Matter

A blog post, like knitting and rehab, starts off with much good-willed determination. But stuff gets in the way and you never go back to the thing. Below is the first and possibly last in a series of incompletes from the last year.

1/1/07 -- Worst Cell Plan Ever.

One Missed Call: This Christmas, I asked Santa for the stupidest movie in all the world to be made and he gave it to me! (Sorry Alvin and The Chipmunks -- maybe your sequel?). The winner by a dial is One Missed Call. As they are forced to repeat in the commercial, you miss a call from a yourself, you listen to the message, you hear your death and then you die. You got all that? Oh and of course you can't outsmart it by deleting the message, which is filled with your screams of agony and last bloody throat gurglings. It's making me squirm already -- I hate hearing my recorded voice!

Anyway, have these people ever had a Verizon phone? Most of my voicemails sound like the dying.

The film is a remake of a Japanese film that was a lame copy of The Ring which was a movie remade in the United States and had Naomi Watts looking scared in front of innocuous video playing technology. However, I remember looking that way when my VCR ate a rental and I was going to have to pay Blockbuster every penny of Cocoon: The Return so I get it.

In Case You Were Worried This Blog Was Becoming Stuffy And..

too intellectual for its own good, here you go:

A fart isn't offensive. It's the soul of a dump escaping your body. And in that case, lentils are a very spiritual food.

Goodness, leave it to me to feature right out in the wide open, possibly stranded for weeks at the top of this scarcely updated blog, the makings of a disastrous google search: "I knew Claudia back in the day. Wonder if she did anything with her life. What's this? A fart blog. Oh, I guess not."

A while ago, a bravely anonymous commenter asked me "is your stand-up as incredibly smug and corny as your blog?" Since then, I've had a debate whenever I update if, like the Iconoclasts episode featuring Mike Meyers and Deepak Chopra, I've managed to blend smug and corny the way my readers expect. I haven't gotten around to it yet but there are some Nietzsche knock-knock jokes headed right this way.

This blog is important and I need to remember that! If it weren't, why would the people at my old job still check this thing about seven times a week? And if you thought there was a blog better for finding the search term "anal torture," well, think again.

So here I stay. There is a writer's strike and blogs will be more important than ever during this entertainment drought. But if the WGA has a problem with blogging, too, I'd love to get a small stipend to stop doing it. That'd be a-ok.

HO-lloween!

Halloween's almost here and with it returns the naughty costume for the seasonal whore. Sitcom writers have caught on to the triple X [job title] tradition, which I know by having watched "How I Met Your Mother" that one solitary time. People who work in offices joke about it. I'm blogging about it means it dead-center, maybe two years late even for comment. But the jokey awareness of hasn't slowed it down any.

At my old girlfriend's house, I discovered an expensive drill on a shelf. It was an unusual find considering she was more of a clothes horse than a remodeler. Her explanation was: "I went as a sexy construction worker for Halloween and I needed it." Sexy construction worker? It disgusted me -- such an unnecessary charade. Couldn't she just admit what she wanted, even on days when it isn't Halloween? To own a power drill, like any other dyke.

Years ago, a manager of mine, 25 and living with her fiancé, bragged about dressing as a dirty nurse and showed me and another lackey the bagged costume she bought while a lot of growling noises "Chris loved it [rrrrrrrrrrrrrow!]" Fiancé boner time! Keep in mind this woman was a costume designer who probably could've made herself anything. Her buying it is like a pastry maker bringing an Entenmann's cake to a party. Not that those cakes aren't de-scrumptiouslicious 100%. [This blog is sponsor-friendly. Come get me.]

I'll admit, I have my own naughty costume I want to give a whirl. This Halloween, I'm dressing up as a sexy prostitute. I'll wear the same clothes as a prostitute but a lot more sexy. And people will look at me and think I charge money for sex as a way to earn a living but really I'm pretending and I'll do it for free.

Wow!

An interview I did a while ago on Afterellen.com went up today and they linked over here. Considering I haven't blogged in ages, I feel a bit like I've been caught by the paparazzi leaving a limo with no underwear on, too drunk on celebrity to notice the wind howling outside "the lady cave." (Is that where Batwoman lives?)

Karey Dornetto, the woman I'm proud to call my eye doctor referrer and personal inspiration for wearing denim as much as possible, was interviewed. I don't know Sapna, Bridget or Sabrina -- the last comic stander! -- but I hope to soon. They also mentioned the LOL Tour which is peopled by my friends Jackie Monahan and Lisa Kaplan, both of whom I would want with me in jail because I think we'd seem intimidating in a group. I'm sure they can't wait!

Please, keep up the myspace friend requests. I'll have more news and a proper website for Under The Gaydar soon enough.

Holy Crap! Check Out This Foreign Poster for "Kn0cked Up"

I believe this is from France, where they are marketing it as a tragedy. In it, a grotesque, emotionally stunted man-child takes sexual advantage of a drunken woman one night, impregnating her. With this, the child becomes a father. Locked into a downward spiral, the hopeless mother-to-be pretends there's no such thing as Roe v. Wade or AA and instead begins a relationship with the t-shirt loving offender.

Shrug's List

We all want to be a missed connection on Craigslist. Someone picks us out of the teeming throng of faceless assholes surrounding us and bam. It's love! Or it's gentle stalking. Depends on who's posting. Either way, it's like winning the ego Power Ball.

A friend I hung out with Memorial Day weekend sent me this link, convinced it was me. I was there then. My name is Claudia. I am a w4w. I do have a vividly transporting smell.

Claudia, Catty Shack-- Memorial Day wknd - w4w

Hi there... If you get this, well, I definitely enjoyed meeting you almost two weeks ago, even if it was so late in the night. I'm more than likely coming back into NYC this weekend, and I know I will definitely be coming in the last week of June... So, if we wanted at all to exchange info (as friends or otherwise), I would be up for doing so... If you get this, therefore, and are interested, here I am (it's Robin)...

In case: we met at Catty... you, then (with your two friends), came over to my friend's place...

So you know, since returning to Boston from that weekend, the thing that I associate most with you is your incredible smell, which amazingly and literally brought me (in my mind's eye) to the beach...

But it isn't me. There was sizable inebriation happening but I think I'd remember going to someone's house with a cool visiting chick. If she'd written "kept dancing and making faces like Ellen but was not as funny," that would practically be a DNA match and I'd be writing to her, and not blogger.

I'm a Missed Missed Connection. Good luck, real Claudia! She sounds great/insane!

Show Shorry!

I'm putting on my Liza with a "Xanax" to announce my show line up for tomorrow and apologize for not being the blogger I should this past month. It's taken me a while due to the incredible nature of my existence: I mean, whoever said ennui is for the rich is way out of line.

Grrrr! We hate cool!

Tuesday, April 24, 10:00
CHECK YOUR COOL
Parkside Lounge
317 E. Houston (at Attorney St.)

This Tuesday, April 24/7, we are thrilled out the eye sockets to present:

*Anthony Jeselnik (Jimmy Kimmel, Premium Blend, Carson Daly)
*Todd Levin (Premium Blend, How to Kick People)
*Matt Daly (Boston Comedy Festival)
*Adam Cole-Kelly (The Rejection Show

and your hosts Claudia Cogan (Sirius OutQ), John F. O'Donnell (Comedy Central) and Jiwon Li (ESPN).

Directions: Take the F to Second Avenue. Walk east along Houston. Parkside is on the corner of Attorney St., one block east of Clinton.

I Just Calls 'Em Like I Sees 'Em

Or rather, Matt McCarthy, children's book revisionist, does. Matt, with no warning, ransacked my flickr account, extracted the picture of an unsuspecting zebra at the LA zoo and added the narrative excitement. And the best part? It's a true story.

Unhappy Gilmore

The Power of Positive Linking

Couple more articles over at fakegaynews.com:

- Gay Rights and Lack of Parking Linked

- Socially Inept Lesbian Resists Hot Woman

Guys, let's make this viral, instead of bird flu:

Sara and Brandy of the Kissing Booth made a video about a naughty leprechaun who puts all sort of "P" in St. Patrick's.

If I was writing a shitty article about it for TV Guide, I'd call it "Green Scream!" Look for me, playing it all the way to the last cubicle, as "woman on the can."

We Should've Done It Years Ago

On local cable, there's a delectably atrocious ad for the Select Dental practice which runs about once every five minutes. It's bad acting and sexuality-defying husband and wife casting have taken area wiseasses by storm. I wanted to show it to those of you all over the blogsphere and share my theory that the husband and wife are not bad actors, they were directed to act like Tom and Katie Cruise and did a brilliant job -- he's the talker, the cocksure mouthpiece fielding the tough ones while she stands by, eager to show allegiance, quivering inside like an abused puppy who still hopes for love, fearful of the man who's all assurances until he SNAPS.

However, Dave Hill, a genius, made his own brilliant and succinct parody ten months ago, and which I only discovered tonight. Which NYC comedian has their finger on the pulse of the tristate and which one doesn't?

UPDATE: Matt Sears' dreamscape has been drilled into by Select Dental, too.

The Boulevard of Cogan Dreams

A fan* wrote to me, asking where my normal output of hilarious and unforgettable posts have gone. "Don't give up, Claudia. We love you!!!"

Aw. I love youtube, guys.

I've been away from the 'sphere getting some work done. Among these other projects, are things like this for publications like fakegaynews.com, a news parody site for 'mos, not some bizarre info source for gay-acting straights. Head over there if you can tear yourself away, which I doubt.


* on this blog, "fan" means a person I made up

Groove Line Tonight

Right now, I'm luxuriating at a wi-fi equipped Dunkin Donuts, because the internet and maple cheddar make it all better. Over the loudspeakers, they've got a satellite radio disco station blasting. I've been hear long enough to hear two disco versions of non-disco songs.

First, "Total Eclipse of the Heart," a huge headache-making deal that was sung by a Bonnie Tyler sing-alike, only set on fire. Apply directly to the trash can.

Second, a true disco-era specimen: "I Love New York," the famous tourism jingle elongated into a sultry Halston skirt twirler. Have a one night stand with New York! Everyone else is.

It reminds me of the time when anything and everything was regurgitated into a disco tune. The main engineer of that was Meco, who adapted the Star Wars theme into a a huge disco hit that even Jabba the Hutt could squish to.

My family owned has a copy of his 1978 effort, "The Wizard of Oz." The ultimate travel soundtrack if your road is white and powdery, not yellow or brick. Not that anyone in my family did that. I don't think.

Anyway, I can't verify this since it was 30 years ago (and I wasn't even born then!) but on the back of the album, the people dancing around the Emerald Palace were from planet Suretu, which is uterus spelled backward. Meco, you reproductive system poet.

Speaking of glittery nights among the fabulous and fucked up, let's talk about the show "I Love New York," or as I call it "I Pity New York."

I haven't been able to watch much. It's kinda painful. But I will try to catch it when I'm both stronger inside and have less other DVR'ed stuff to watch. I will say I haven't witnessed a group of men on tv more curiously single than any butler on a sitcom, from Mr. Belvedere to the the one from Fresh Prince of Bel Air, to the one from The Nanny, etc.

It's understandable that you're in the midst of a circle of men that could erupt into a vogue-off at any second - they could be drawn to your mom, a really convincing female Tina Turner impersonator. At least, that is, if in the famous Ike and Tina relationship, Tina was the abuser. "Tina Turner love you. Why you make Tina hit you?"

Run away, New York. You're making New Jersey look good.

Spaceballs!

That's A Spacey Meatball!

Houston, We Have a Problem!

Men Are From Mars! Women Are From Venus!

NASA, That's My Baby!

Astro-NUT!

Shuttle Disaster!

Let's Pretend It's Still December '06

It was a nicer time, sunny and warm, and you weren't dogged by the nightmares of your broken resolutions (my resolution: never go to sleep again, broken noon, January 1st).

Christmas in Crisis: A Get The F Out Exposé

The Gingerbread Housing Shortage
Thousands of homeless gingerbread cookies lose struggle to find shelter during critical housing crisis.

According to reports, today's children are no longer constructing the necessary shelters for gingerbread men, women and children. Due to declining Christmas spirit and an increasing emphasis on technology and computerized gadgets like iPods and Wiis, gingerbread houses are going unmade.

"They want everything right this instant. They don’t have the patience to bake a spicy ginger cottage or lovingly attach a gum drop doorknob using home made icing," lamented gingerbread man Phineas T. Syrupdripper.

Plenty of Dough...But Not For Rent


The gingerbread population faces a double whammy from grown-ups eager for houses of status. Much like coffee, gingerhouse making has veered far into the luxury realm. Around the country, competitions to create elaborate ginger McMansions are underway, leaving the seasonally employed cookies unable to afford a place to rest their neckless heads.

Where Does It End?

Now forced to live two or three gingerbread families to a house, detached arms, legs, -- and even heads -- are becoming epidemic in the confinement. Many are turning to alcohol, which further alienates the kiddies and parents the ginger people rely on. "No one wants a treat that smells and tastes like a department store Santa," said Phineas. "But that's what they're gonna get."

Under such conditions, many are talking about finding year round work as gingersnaps. Gingersnaps are considered a significant step-down to a community that prides itself on individuality. "I have a cousin who works at Pepperidge Farms. Maybe this January it’s time to give him a call,” whispered Phineus, as what looked like a molasses tear formed in his eye.

Also Under Investigation!

Nutcrackers & TMJ: A New Epidemic
Holy Tchaikovsky! Stop the sugarplums! Nativity won't be the same with The Nutcracker's soldiers increasingly sidelined by crippling jaw pain. "I can't even chew soup. My life is over." - unnamed Nutcracker.

Alvin, Simon, THEADORA?
Changes in the lineup for The Chipmunks when Theodore finds his...er, HER true identity. "No one can even hear her higher pitch now, it's like a broken kettle" - Dave, Manager

Those Three Little Words

= Fuck You, Too!

Last night at Tell Your Friends, Liam McEneaney's show at Lolita Bar, there was already talk of Valentine's Day, which, if you're me and perpetually single (Hey, it's a choice! Like Sophie's), it's a holiday that can take you by surprise year after year. "Is it February 14th already? Forgot to fall in love AGAIN."

A couple years ago I I already covered the alarming way that the Duane Reade "Seasonal" aisle shelves become looter-bare around that most romantic time. Clearly because when you've got diarrhea and, hopefully separately, a special someone in your heart, you know where to go to treat them both.

It also brought me back to the time when I spent a joyous year in Clinton Hill, living and rarely loving in an apartment that was apparently constructed of tuning-grade hyper-resonant Styrofoam. You could hear everything from above, below, and on either side. Probably in the next building over, too, but I wasn't sure what was what above the violin practice of the woman who lived downstairs and one apartment over. Ear plugs would've worked if I wasn't so frightened of fires: the first week I lived there, the third story of the building next door was gutted by flames in an electric heater accident. I woke up because I heard people screaming "GET OUT!!!" It wasn't my building, but it could've been, thus I never wore ear plugs.

The man downstairs from me, whom I'll refer to as Terence, because of his fondness for playing Terence Trent D'Arby starting at at 11:55 PM about four or five nights a week. Because I was usually still up and just reading, I didn't care. As long as I'm not woken up by it, I don't care. He could reintroduce himself to the hardline as much as he wanted. And Wishing Well is a song that holds up better than you'd imagine. Ba-pa didda ba!

That Valentine's day, I was woken up early by a phone call. My friend was calling to let me know our day of platonic valentine's activities was canceled - he was sick. I had in fact bought him, as a joke, some gifts from Duane Reade, including a talking gorilla who said "I go bananas over you!" It wasn't meant to be.

I go back to bed and without warning, the room is now throbbing with the sounds of some deep house jungle toolshed douchebag track, i.e., music to puke to in Chelsea. My floor is pulsating and I'm practically bouncing on the thin sheet of ceiling/floor that separates us.

Deciding to be mature, assertive, I go downstairs and knock on his door. No answer, which figures. He didn't hear it or didn't want to.

Upstairs, not knowing what to do, I lose my cool and pound my foot four times on the floor. I couldn't scream it but my foot went ahead and did it: Shut [POUND!] the [POUND!] fuck [POUND!] up! [POUND!].

"FUCK YOU!" from Terence.

Fighting the frog in my throat I scream back as loud as I can "FUCK YOU, TOO!"

I don't do anything traditionally but I think I having a fight with your downstairs neighbor through the ceiling is the kind of heated expression V-Day is all about!

In Case You Missed It

At last night's "Fifty First Jokes," a special edition of Check Your Cool, the stand up show I humbly co-produce and don't nearly publicize enough because I'm shy, fifty comedians got up to re-tell, re-call and re-cringe at the first joke they ever did on stage. I can't speak for all 50 comics sweating it out with me, but I had a great time. A lot of the jokes held up incredibly well but I preferred the jokes that didn't. It made better use of the one-night only permission slip to suck it hard. So you made a rape joke! You don't do it now, right? Yay!

To get the ball rolling and really limber up everyone's expectations, John, Jiwon and I did a sketch with our friend Liam McEneaney about the usual nightmare booker, finally exposed for the creatures they can be.

STATEN ISLAND COMEDY FESTIVAL

Jiwon:

Hey everybody, the show's going to be great. We

didn't say anything before but we've got a big surprise!

John:

Don't freak out, but there is a scout from a

prestigious festival here tonight.

Claudia:

Please welcome from Ferry Funny! The Staten Island

Comedy Festival, Mr. Buck Le Sabre.

Buck:

Thanks for having me. I'm very interested in the

downtown comedy scene. Some of you guys are good.

John:

Thanks. Not a lot of people know about

your festival. Give us a breakdown.

Buck:

We're building up our festival, which has a few categories: The local wiseguys division. The housewives who tell jokes division. And the college kids who think they're better

than us division, which is specifically why I'm here.

Claudia:

How do you get to be in Ferry Funny?

Buck:

Those who get in must bring 25 people to guarantee a 4 minute. The cover is 20 dollars and there is a 17 drink minimum. The main venue is in a bowling alley during the local championships. To register for this prestigious industry festival, send me $45 and make the check out to my mother.

Jiwon:

You're doing this in an out of the way location in a

place no one likes to visit. Why would a comedian do it?

Buck:

I know it sounds like there's a lot to do but this festival

is a resume builder. A resume builder you can say you

were in after you join our union.

Claudia:

I think I'm going to pass.

Buck (to Claudia):

But you'd be great for our Who Let The Dogs Out? Showcase.

Claudia:

Who's in that?

Buck:

Its girls who are ugly-as-hell telling some jokes. If

they don't make us laugh, we throw bones at em.

Jiwon:

That's despicable. You, sir, are exactly the

kind of booker that makes comedy suck.

Buck:

Hang it up, Chicken and Broccoli; I'm not ready to order.

Jiwon:

What? I'm Korean!

John:

What's under your hat?

Buck:

Nothing!

Claudia:

Look!

She pulls off his hat and there are horns on his forehead.

Buck:

This was a bad idea. You guys aren't ready. Which means for the
low price of $100 I can get you in the "amateur's" showcase.

John:

Get out of here!

Jiwon:

In the name of all things funny, be gone!

Buck runs off and probably adlibs something funny because it's Liam.

Claudia:

The sad thing is, as sure I blow all

my auditions, he'll be back.

THE END

Time for some Hack-tion

Yoko Oh-No!

Yoko Ono's chauffeur was recently arrested for threatening to release damaging audiotapes if she didn't give him millions of dollars. How bad is this man's blackmailing technique? Have you heard the woman's albums? Clearly she's not worried about embarrassing recordings.

HEY OHHHHH!

Pickup Lines for Transmen:

Fake Mustache Rides 50¢...or whatever you can afford to donate.

Miss, I'm wondering about your background. Do you have any fake purple silicone in you? [after she says "no'] Do you want some?

Do you need an MC for your burlesque show?

HEY OH!

Thanks for reading. And sorry.

99¢ Store Beauty Product Review

Walk down the aisle of any 99¢ store and you'll find a plethora of low-priced health and beauty aids from around the world. The price is right but do they do the same job as fancy drugstore brands? Some of the items look like they may have bypassed the approval of the FDA, especially the toothpaste. You're thinking that tube of Aym toothpaste from North Korea looks almost exactly like regular AIM, but the box claims it's formulated for "Beautiful teeth that reflect the shining glory of our savior-captor, Kim Jong-Il." Makes you wonder! If a shampoo label promises silky shiny "hare," do you take their word for it or ask a rabbit? I say if there's savings to be had, take a chance.

In this edition of 99¢ Store Beauty Product Reviews, I take what I put on my legs and bring it to your eyeballs: RAZORS! Cheap razors.

And as you can see, there's quite a selection.


Encouraging. Let's see if I find the million dollar bill in the 99¢ heap.

A lot of them resemble the razors you get free at a hotel when you forget to pack your own, the kind that remind you of what it must be like to peel an orange with a machete. It's all just a sick and bloody way to punish someone for forgetting to pack completely.

I picked the N0xema razors. That's a name I recognize! I use their face stuff. A familiar brand reassures me there's someone or something to sue if the need arises. Which tells you I'm the kind of person who likes to skip ahead to worst case scenarios when trying anything new. Like how I am on a first date, thinking giddily, "Wow, I dig this person...I wonder what our divorce will be like."

But back to the now! You know how N0xema cream kinda stings a bit? Yeah, so do the blades. Not bad but I couldn't risk using them on my knees, the bony terrain of which are a challenge to event the supplest blade. And they clogged up pretty quick, too. That might not be their fault. My neglected December calves are a lot more of a challenge than my July calves.

Conclusion: Do you only have a few strands of hair? Go for it!